Say Goodbye to Self-Guilt & Hello to Self-Compassion: Tips for reframing self-guilt

images[1] (2) - Copy

Guilt can rear its ugly head in many facets of your life. You feel guilty because you work long hours, leaving minimal time for your family. You feel guilty because “life happened” forcing you to devote more time to your personal life and less to work. You feel guilty because you do not have the energy to complete another task or an event you RSVP’d to months ago.   And….the most common form of guilt is saying no to everything and everyone else but saying yes to you; better known as self-compassion or self-care.

By no means am I implying that self-guilt is completely bad. Guilt can be a sign that you want to be better and you want more. There is always room for improvement; it is healthy to strive for being a better you each day and holding yourself accountable. Sometimes a little guilt can be the fuel you need to make some changes. However, when you find yourself consistently feeling guilty for wanting to say no, needing to take a day off, wanting to treat yourself and wanting to enjoy life; it may be time to evaluate your level of self-compassion.

These tips can help you reframe the way you view self-guilt:

  1. Get in wise mind. Guilt is an emotion and emotions are important in certain situations (loving our spouses, children). Getting in wise mind is the medium between reason and emotion. Wise mind is based off your life experiences and what you know to be true. The next time you are feeling overwhelmed with guilt, ask yourself, “What would wise mind say?”
  2. Say Yes to You. When you say yes to everything and everyone else, you are saying no to someone very important-YOU!! Feeling guilty for saying no to a request may be perceived as “selfish.” Allow me to explain; someone asks you to do something or invites you to an event and for whatever reason you want to decline. But your guilt will not allow you to decline and you say yes to a request and no to yourself. Remember, no one is going to feel guilty for taking from you so don’t you dare feel guilty for taking care of you. I discuss this concept at length here.
  3. Use Guilt for Insight Only. Why do you feel guilty? What changes can you make? If you feel you have genuinely done something wrong, focus on the lesson and allow it to motivate you to embrace being better.
  4. Apologize, Accept and Let It Go. What purpose does the guilt serve in your life? How is your guilt helping your current situation? If you have done something wrong to someone; apologize and let it go. If someone is not ready to accept your apology; accept this as a part of their healing process. Allow them the time and space they need and work toward letting it go. Your guilt will not help the situation.

 

Do not put yourself on trial and render a “guilty verdict” for every decision you make. Remember self-compassion and self- guilt cannot co-exist. It is impossible to truly take care of yourself while feeling guilty for taking care of yourself.

Feel free to contact Sharise Hemby-Nance at vitaminchealing@gmail.com.

*Serious inquires only

Take Control of Your Time: 5 tips to create two extra hours in your day

 

“Either you run the day or the day runs you” is the quote that comes to mind when thinking of the asset or liability we have in father time. Do you find yourself wasting time on menial tasks? Do you find yourself constantly busy with little to no productivity? Are you mismanaging time throughout the day- scurrying from checking email to scrolling through social media, to answering the phone and barely making it on time for appointments? If you answered yes to any of these questions, no need to panic (or try to squeeze in another task) most of us struggle with overbooking our schedules; which can result in the infamous “I could get so much done if only there were more hours in the day.” What if you could manipulate your schedule to create an extra 2 hours in your day? The purpose of creating an extra 2 hours in your work day is not to create more room to squeeze in more tasks. This extra 2 hours we are creating is comparable to clearing space in a cluttered room so we can see the floor. If our days our cluttered, more than likely our minds are cluttered. The following tips will allow you to work smarter in order to allow time for rest, people and leisure.

 

Tips for taking control of your time:

Complete the most important task first: Each day identify at least 3 tasks that you must complete. Complete the most difficult or the most dreadful task first. Completing at least one of these tasks at the beginning of the day will put you ahead of schedule.

One mind, one task: This may be the most difficult tip for those of us with “Type A personalities” to comprehend. We live in a fast paced society and oftentimes work calls for “uni-tasking.” If you are taking a business call, focus on that call. If you are sending out an email, focus on completing and sending just that email. If you are organizing files, focus on organizing files. When we attempt to do a little of each task simultaneously, something else will come up, none of the tasks get complete and we find ourselves….OUT OF TIME. If you must, limit distractions (go to a quiet place, put your phone out in another room, refrain from the internet) in order to focus on one task.

Learn to Say No: Some of us are good at juggling multiple commitments and not feeling overwhelmed. Others struggle with saying no to opportunities that will create more clutter and chaos in their lives. When we cannot say no to these things, we are saying yes to issues such as disorganization, stress, anxiety and marital problems. Take the time to understand who you are, what you can handle and the reason you struggle with saying no.

Get an early start: “The early bird catches the worm” still rings true. The snooze button is not your friend if you are looking for ways to use time as your ally. Getting that extra 15 minutes of sleep usually turns into an extra 30 minutes of sleep. I challenge you to wake up 30 minutes earlier instead of using the 30 minutes to snooze. I know…so much easier said than done, but think of how much more time you will have throughout the day just by getting that early start.

Rest: Getting an early start also means getting ample rest. I can relate to wanting to squeeze in more work late at night and it may feel like you cannot sleep until that blog gets completed, that chapter is written, that business plan is submitted and so on-the list of tasks continues. Since we completed the most important tasks for the day; make a list of important tasks for the next day and go to bed. How effective can you be if you are exhausted? Remember you need your rest because we are not snoozing in the morning!

 

Our lives can be so full of excess. When we can identify the excess and remove it, we create space for what is important and what deserves our time.

For more strategies with time management contact Sharise Hemby-Nance, LSW @ vitaminchealing@gmail.com.